It's Time for Lunch and You're on the Menu - a short story

Hello reader. Now normally you’d be hearing this story from the first person view of the protagonist except the protagonist is kind of… well he’s an idiot and boring. Which will be very obvious as you hear the story. So I’m just going to narrate this whole thing so your IQ doesn’t get any lower from being inside his head. Not that your IQ could actually get any lower. You’re already pretty stupid. But I won’t take the risk. I should probably start telling the story. Well, it all started a long time ago in a galaxy far far away….. 

Just kidding. It actually started on Earth sometime in the near future.

Bobby was a fairly normal human. Two arms, two legs, one stupid little brain, and all the rest of the proper human parts. He sat in a cage. Now that might sound bad but it was a really nice cage. Right by a window. The window provided a great view of Chicago and the destruction that the aliens had caused to the windy city. Oh yeah, there are aliens too. They look like bugs. Insects to be more precise but you probably don’t know the difference between a bug and an insect so it doesn’t really matter. But anyways, aliens took over Earth and stuff. Not really that important. Let’s get back to Bobby.

Bobby gazed out the window wondering what it’d be like to be cooked by one of those famous alien chefs his captors often talked about. He was meat on the shelf of a small store. He’d probably be turned into a pizza or something of that sort. Which is a wonderfully tasty way to go but he dreamed of being prepared by professionals on TV. Sadly that dream was never going to come true.

An alien approached Bobby’s cage. What exactly the alien looks like doesn’t matter. I’ll leave that for your imagination. It’s very insect like though.

“You look tasty,” the alien said. (And yes they do speak English. All aliens speak English. It’s the language of the entire universe. Only on Earth are there more than one language because humans like making things more complicated than needed.)

The alien opened the cage door and lead Bobby down the aisle to the cash register. Bobby waited patiently as the alien paid for him and lead him out to the car. He obediently sat in the alien’s trunk as the alien drove off. Bobby hoped that the alien was actually a famous chef, which the alien was not but Bobby didn’t know that yet.

The alien pulled up in the driveway of the alien’s home and dragged Bobby into the kitchen where he lost his head. The alien turned the now headless Bobby into topping for a delicious pizza and invited all it’s alien friends over and they all had a wonderful time watching football and eating Bobby pizza.

The End

.…...Wait you wanted a happy ending where he didn’t turn into someone’s dinner? How unrealistic of a story do you want? The entire planet has been taking over by human-eating aliens who have been raising humans as meat for a few generations. There isn’t really any way for Bobby to have gotten an ending where he didn’t get eaten. And he did get a happy ending. He was turned into pizza. Pizza is amazing. So stop your complaining and just accept that this is the way things are.