The Writer is Evil - a short story

Cody was a fairly normal human being. He worked in a bakery and mostly did things such as make cakes. He was actually really really good at making cakes. Loved doing it too. He was fairly happy with his life despite the fact that he was completely aware of the fact that he was just a character in a story. He always just assumed he’d be a random side character who showed up one time in whatever story he may be in. He never thought he’d be the main character. The poor guy. The things he’ll go through will suck. Being a main character normally sucks. Lots of pain. But anyways, let’s actually get on to the story...

It wasn’t a very busy day at Ben’s Bakery. Only a few people had come in to buy cakes and cookies. Cody leaned against the counter looking rather bored. Working at the register was his least favourite job. He had to actually talk to people. It was horrible.

A young woman in a top hat walked through the door and Cody perked up a little. The woman had brown hair and bright blue eyes. She was rather beautiful. Or at least Cody thought so.

“Hey, how can I help you?” Cody smiled at her.

The girl looked all the display of various baked goods. “I want a cupcake. Red velvet.”

“As you wish,” Cody grabbed the cupcake of her choice from the shelf and handed it to her. “That'll be two pieces, miss.”

The girl tossed the coin onto the counter and took a bite of the cupcake. A smile crept onto her face. “What's your name, cutie?”

“Name's Cody,” he said.

“Did you make this?” She asked.

Cody nodded. “Yep.”

“Come by my place after work. Dock 7, Northeast Harbour. See ya then, Cody,” she winked as she strode out the door.

Cody grinned. “Oh dear writer please don't let this be like the last time.”

Cody closed up shop and put on his cap. The suns had already faded below the horizon. A stupid grin covered his face as he walked down the busy streets to the Northeast Harbour.

A large airship was parked in Dock 7. It was a nice one too. The name Knight’s End was painted in huge letters on its bow. The crew loaded up supplies and talked among themselves. The crew consisted mostly of large muscled men who looked as if they had seen the worse side of the world. There were a few women as well. None were the girl from the shop earlier.

Cody made his way on board and looked around. He had no name so asking around would prove to be a bit difficult.

“Oh come on. Don't do this to me,” he glared up at the sky.

A young girl, maybe six or seven years of age, came up and pulled on his sleeve. “Are you Cody, sir?”

“Yeah I am,” Cody said.

“Follow me, mister. She's waiting for you,” the girl took his hand and pulled him along.

Cody grinned and followed the girl into the ship. She lead him through the corridors to a door.

“She's in there, mister,” the girl said.

“Thanks,” Cody knocked on the door.

The door opened and the girl from the shop stood there. She wore simple but rather revealing outfit.

“Hey Cody,” she smirked.

Cody tore his eyes from her chest and smiled. “Hey.”

“Come in,” she stepped away from the door.

Cody entered the bedroom and was struck from behind with the hilt of a sword. The poor guy collapsed unconscious.

When he woke up he was tied up and in a closet.

“Oh come on. Seriously?!” He struggled against the ropes. “Why can't I have one nice thing for once, huh? Is that too much to ask for?”

His ropes were too tight for him to wiggle his way out of so he was rather stuck. He kept trying to escape the ropes though despite how fruitless of a task it was. After several minutes of rope burn he gave up and glared at nothing.

“All I want is a girlfriend. Or even just one night with a hot chick. Is that really so hard to give me?” To most people he'd appear to be talking to himself but in fact he was actually talking to his writer. Which is like talking to himself except it sounds even more insane when he tells people what he was doing.

The closet door opened and the hot girl looked down at him. “Looks like sleeping beauty has finally awaken from his slumber.”

“What the bloody blazes is going on?!” Cody said.

“First off, my face is a bit higher than that. Last I checked it wasn't on my boobs. Second of all, you're being kidnapped. Next time you should be a little more cautious before coming onto a stranger's ship. Never know what might happen,” the girl said.

Cody glared.

“Don't look at your new boss like that. It's rather rude,” the girl said. “I'm Captain Laura Markson. You're now part of the Knight’s End crew. Unless you behave badly. Then I get to throw you out a window.”

“I thought it was my turn to throw a guy out the window,” a black man said. He looked like he had been using anvils as weights his entire time. He could probably easily crush Cody's head with his bare hands. Cody realized this fact and decided to never ever tick this man off.

“Oh yes. That's right,” Captain Laura said. “You misbehave and my husband will throw you out a window.”

Cody swore. Apparently he still wanted to sleep with the captain even after she kidnapped him. Now if he had been her captive for a little longer than he had one might call it Stockholm syndrome. But considering the fact that he really hadn't been her prisoner for long it was just being horny and stupid.

“Watch your language, young man,” the captain's husband said. “Oh and my name is Glock.”

Cody just glared.

“I don't like this one. He's rude,” Glock said to his wife.

“Yes but he makes the besttttt cupcakes ever,” Captain Laura said.

“He still needs to learn some manners,” Glock said.

Captain Laura patted his shoulder. “I'm sure you can help him with that, dear. And maybe instruct him on where a woman's face is. He seems to be confused about that.”

Cody just sat there in the closet watching those two. Being tied up makes it considerably harder to do things such as escape or run away as it turns out.

“I should probably take our guest to his room,” Glock said.

“Good idea,” Captain Laura tucked a piece of paper into Cody’s pocket. “That’s the list of what I want you to make.”

“I’m not your slave,” Cody said.

“No, you’re my employee. You get paid with not getting thrown off the ship,” Captain Laura said.

Glock picked Cody up and threw him over his shoulder.

“What are you doing?!” Cody said.

“Take you to your new room. Stop squirming. You might fall and hit your head,” Glock walked to a small room that had a bed and everything you’d ever need to bake cake. Glock carefully set Cody on the bed and began to untie him. “Now you have free range of the ship as long as you don’t cause trouble. But this is where you’ll work and sleep.”

“Take me back to Harkton!” Cody demanded.

“‘Take me back to Harkton please,’” Glock said.

Cody sighed.

Glock put the ropes into a cabinet. “I hope you have everything you need here. I’ll be on deck if you need me.”

Cody glared at the wall, not even bothering to thank the man for untying him. How rude.

“Talk to you later!” Glock walked out.

As soon as the door closed Cody started to complain.

“Why are you doing this to me?! I had a good life! I better not be some main character! I don’t want my life to suck that badly! Oh gosh this better not be some backstory thing that’ll motivate my desire to kill some evil prince or something in the future. This better be the main story,” Cody said. “And I want a girlfriend by the end of this.”

The writer didn’t reply to any of his demands. The writer never said anything to him. Cody could very well just be insane. He probably was.

Cody continued on his rant for quite awhile. Thankfully he was alone or else someone might throw him off the ship for just being annoying. After a while he calmed down a little and looked at his list.

“This woman seriously loves red velvet,” Cody muttered. “Maybe if I don’t do the work they’ll take me home…. Or they might kill me. What if I just do a really bad job…. Pretend that I actually suck as a baker…. Then I might be able to get them to drop me off somewhere.” Cody smirked. He had a plan now. Amazingly enough the guy did have some of a brain.

Cody started to bake the cake but messed up small parts of the recipe. Like mixing up the sugar and the salt. He was a genius. Or at least he thought so. Nobody else ever thought that ever.

Cody took a break from his baking to go check out the view from the railing on deck and to throw up. He made the mistake of tasting his batter.

It was a lovely day. Sun was shining. There was a nice breeze. Great day to go do some pirating. Which was exactly what Captain Laura had in mind that day apparently.

The crew started running around and orders were shouted. Most everyone carried more weapons on their person than they did on an average day.

Cody realized what was going on and swore a lot. “Really? You're really doing this to me? Haven't I been through enough?! I'm not a bloody pirate! I'm a baker! Why couldn't you have just decided to have a pigeon poop on me or something instead?! Unless you change something so help me I will jump off this ship! I will! Give me a break, man!”

The little girl from earlier watched Cody as he went on and on about how horrible his writer was. “Mommy what's wrong with the new guy?”

“He's just lost his mind, sweetie,” Captain Laura told her.

“Oh. Should I help him find it?” the girl asked.

“No we have a ship to loot first. You can help him afterwards,” Captain Laura gave her daughter a dagger.

“I should at least get a girlfriend out of this whole thing! Or even just a---” Cody nearly jumped off the ship when the cannons began to fire. “Oh bloody blazes I'm so gonna die.” Cody ran below deck and hid in his room.

Now normally this is the part where there's an epic battle description but due to the fact that Cody hid in his room and this story is about what happens to him specifically all you get is this sentence explaining why there isn't an epic battle here.

Once the pirates were done with their pirating the little girl showed up at Cody’s room.

“What do you want?” Cody snapped.

“I’m going to help you find your mind, mister,” the girl said. “My name is Kaylee. I’m the captain’s daughter.”

“Oh dear writer that woman is a mother,” Cody said.

“Yep!” Kaylee grinned.

“I hate my life,” Cody muttered.

For some reason he still hoped to sleep with the captain. Whether he was planning on killing Glock or seducing her or whatever his plans for that were he was most definitely an idiot. And all girls should also slap him on sight.

“So where do you think you lost it?” Kaylee asked.

“Huh?”

“Your mind. Where did you last see it?” Kaylee said.

“Uh…. Probably on deck,” Cody said. “You should look there.”

“Okay!” Kaylee ran off to look for his mind.

Cody continued to bake worse tasting cake in existence, being very careful not to taste the batter this time.

“Writer, this better work,” Cody said as he frosted the cake. He used real frosting since there was no need to make the whole thing taste horrible. “If this doesn’t work so help me I will… uh… do something.”

“Who are you talking to?” Captain Laura leaned against the doorway.

Cody blushed. “Uh… no one?”

“Come on. You can tell your captain,” she said.

Cody scratched the back of his head. “Well, uh, you see I was talking to the Writer.”

“That some sort of god?” Captain Laura said.

“No. It’s just the person who controls our lives. We’re all characters in a book,” Cody said.

Captain Laura laughed. “You’re crazier than I am, baker boy.”

Cody sighed. Everyone always thought he was crazy.

“Is the cake done yet?” Captain Laura asked.

“Yep!” Cody smirked and cut her a piece of cake.

Captain Laura grinned and took a bite. Her grin quickly turned into a frown and she spat out the cake. “What the bloody blazes is this?!”

“Well… you see I’m not actually a baker. I just worked the counter,” Cody said.

Captain Laura sighed. “Figures. I guess I’ll have to kidnap your old boss.”

“So… you’ll take me home?” Cody said.

“Oh blazes no. We’ll be back at Harker in a couple months. You get to mop floors now,” Captain Laura said. “And stop staring at my boobs, pervert. I know they’re nice looking but I’m married.”

Cody sighed.

“Now, if you’re a good boy I might let you off at the next town we stop at,” Captain Laura patted his head. “Now clean up this place. And throw out that awful cake.”

“Fine….” Cody muttered.

Captain Laura walked out of the room.

“You just want me to suffer, don’t you?” Cody glared at the ceiling.

The writer didn’t magically do anything make his life any better.

Cody sighed and started his new job as the maid.

“Goodbye, crazy boy,” Captain Laura waved as Cody walked off the Knight’s End.

A couple weeks had passed since Cody got demoted to maid. The crew had gotten tired of hearing him talk to himself constantly. They could only handle so much crazy.

“This better be enough for a ride home, writer,” Cody muttered as he counted his coin for a train ticket. He was a few coins short of course. The guy had horrible luck. Cody swore. “You just love to watch my pain, don’t you?”

Cody did some delivery work for a pizza shop in the city until he had enough for a train ticket to Harkton. The pizza shop was happy to see him leave. They too got tired of him talking to himself.

Cody went to Ben’s Bakery, hoping that he’d at least have a job still. Which he didn’t. As it turns out if someone doesn’t show up at work for a month they get fired. Who knew.

Cody stormed out of the bakery. “Why do you do this to me? Why can’t something go my way for once? Was I really just created to suffer a horrible life? Well you know what. This is a bloody terrible story! Nobody will ever want to read this! Who’d read something with me as a main character? You suck!”

Random citizens who were strolling through the town gave him odd looks. He ignored them and started to swear a lot. Like a lot a lot. He even made up some new cuss words. But suddenly he went silent mid rant. He tried to speak but couldn’t. Finally. He shut up.

Cody visited all sorts of doctors but none of them could figure out why he was mute. He claimed it was the writer when they asked him to write down an explanation. They sent him to a mental hospital.

Cody eventually got released from the psych ward and got a job at a new bakery. He actually managed to keep that job since he couldn’t annoy people with his insanity and nobody ever wanted to kidnap him again. He never got a girlfriend though. Being mute did not fix the fact that he was a perverted idiot. He did get the chance to decide the title for a story about a baker and pirates once though. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to him. But all in all he lived a long and lonely life and died a poor and sad man. The rest of the world was happy with the fact that they never had to hear his insanity again. The end.