How to be Funny 101

I needed a picture for this post so
here's a picture of me eating a Rubik's cube

Does your writing seem dry and humourless? Are you lacking in laughter? Have your characters forgotten how to crack a joke? Or were you just born without a Sense of Humour? Well you've come to the right place. Today I'm going to tell you how to get a Sense of Humour because you yourself need one in order to write something that makes people laugh. In order to get a Sense of Humour you have to go to your local Walmart and in the fresh produce section you'll find a Sense of Humour. Buy that and eat it. After consuming it you'll be funny. Trust me. It works.


Well this is kinda short for a blog post. I suppose I could just keep rambling and give more tips in case you don't have the money to buy a Sense of Humour.

Eating a platypus is also a wonderful way to get a Sense of Humour. Platypus meat will activate the dormant humour genes in your DNA. Because of the strange appearance of the platypus they are naturally hilarious. This hilarity will apply itself to your DNA after consuming it.
Warning: this method might possibly result in growing a beaver like tail or a duck bill.

Kissing a tree will also activate those dormant humour genes. It has to be a maple tree from Canada though. Kissing a Canadian maple tree will give you a Sense of Humour right away. Or a Georgian maple tree. That works sometimes too. But Canadian maple trees work the best.

Sacrifice a chicken to the imaginary humour gods. This is bound not to work. It actually destroys any Sense of Humour you already have. So I guess this isn't the best thing to do. Don't do this. It's cruel to chickens and anyone who ever talks to you. Trust me they don't want you more dry than you already are. But if you do sacrifice a chicken it will help you summon anyone you want to your location so you can bore them to death. Chicken sacrifice is needed in summoning spells.

Memorize a joke book and use the jokes every single chance you get. This will give you a fake Sense of Humour that'll probably be more annoying than anything else but you might get a few laughs. It's better than nothing if you can't find a Canadian maple tree or a platypus. Also always say the jokes in a really bad British accent. It makes the jokes wayyyyy funnier. Trust me.

Hopefully you will gain a Sense of Humour using one of these many tips. If not I'm sorry. I guess you're too boring to ever be funny. But that's all I have for today, weirdos. Have a lovely day and don't sue me if you get a duck bill from eating a platypus.

The Sleepless Unicorn Writes about Stalking

Hullo humanoids. I is back with a new post. I know it's not like 3 am or anything but I didn't sleep well last night and just fried my brain with homework so I'm not really in a sane mindset. Not I'm normally in a sane mindset. But whatever. Today I am talking about stalking. Why am I talking about stalking? Well, I'm talking about stalking....

this is valid response to any question

Stalking is one of my favourite hobbies. It's rather fun. Everyone should take it up. It's a wonderful way to learn a lot about a person before ever actually meeting them. Although I do not advise following someone around with a camera and being a creep. That's rude and it could get you arrested. Stalking over the internet is much better. Lot less creepy and less likely to get you caught. Getting caught is bad. Don't get caught. They might think that you're a creep if you get caught and that'd just ruin everything. And if you get caught it makes it a lot harder to stalk them secretly. I don't make much sense. 

People stalk other people for a lot of different reasons. Maybe you want to be friends with the other person but you're weird and awkward and shy so you stalk them first. Or maybe you think the other person is hot so you like looking at all the lovely pictures of them on Facebook. Or maybe it's because you plan to kidnap and murder them because you're a serial killer. If that's the reason I suggest you get help and crap why do I have this song on this playlist *skips the song that I'm listening to*. Sorry. That was a little off topic. I listen to music when I write these things. Friday is an evil song.  But back to stalking. Don't stalk people because you're a serial killer. Stalk people because they're hot or because of some other less deadly reason. If you are a serial killer please don't come after me. Dying isn't an experience I'd like to go through again. I'm off topic again. Back to stalking! Stalk people because they're hot or because you think they're cool. 

Now if someone ever stalks you I suggest you stalk them back. Or call the police. It depends on who it is and why they're doing it. If it's a serial killer stalking you call the police. Don't die. Dying is bad. And if you do die make sure you die vertically. I have a serial killer actually. I've named her Tree and she stalks me on Pinterest and this blog and stuff (also I have a Pinterest. Go stalk me on there.) She's a nice stalker so I haven't called the cops on her yet. She's probably reading this. Hullo Tree!

I think I'm done rambling for now. Go stalk someone for non murderous reasons and don't get caught! Have a wonderful day, humanoids! And may the Force be with you!

(I just went back through and reread my post and I would edit it but that goes against what Sleepless Unicorn posts are about. I'm sorry for calling you a serial killer, Tree. I'm sure you're not that. Or at least I hope you aren't. Don't kill me.)

The Repeat Button

Hullo humanoids. This is your forgetful unicorn talking. I am really inconsistent about posting on this blog thing and I'm sorry about that. I would say I'll try to post more often but honestly I doubt I would. I do plan on posting a new Sleepless Unicorn Writes post sometime soonish maybe. Now onto today's topic! Music! Which isn't exactly writing related but it's my blog and I can post what I want. I could do an entire post about how jetpack wearing kittens could save the world with only a bubble gun if I wanted to.

I love music. I have a slight obsession with it. I'll listen to just about anything but my current favourite bands are Fall Out Boy, Twenty One Pilots, and Icon for Hire. I might rant about those bands sometime in the future maybe probably not. But there are times when you find one single song. One song that you love. You may not like the band's other music but you love that one song. So you put it on repeat. And listen to it until you hate it. I've done this in the past and today I will talk about one of those times.

Wayyyyy back in March I heard a song. At the time I didn't know how life changing that song would be. It was just an innocent song on the radio back then. If I had known what it'd do to me I'd have.... actually nothing would've changed. I still would've ended up doing the thing. But I'm getting ahead of myself. This song was called Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon. When I got home I looked it up and then it began. I hit the repeat button once the song was over. My life changed in that moment. For a week that was all I listened to. My friends thought I was slightly insane. After the second week of that song I actually bought it. People were becoming concern for my mental health. I still didn't hate the song. It had become just some background noise. I kept listening to it. Another week passed and then another. It had been a month. A month of just Shut Up and Dance. By that point my friends had decided that I was mentally ill and named my illness Lyrical Redundancy Disease. After another week of that song I decided that it was time to be done. I was getting tired of that song. I didn't hate it but I wanted to listen to something else. So I turned it off of repeat and went back to my life. I went back to listening to multiple different songs and bands. Life was back to normal.

And that was the story of The Month of Shut Up and Dance. Also known as that time that Ryder went a little more insane than normal. It's a completely true story. The repeat button can be addicting. I am actually currently trying to beat my record with Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance. It's been four days so far. Maybe I'll be able to do a month and a half this time. But anyways. I should probably end this post. Farewell my readers and keep being epicly awesome.

What is the longest you've ever listened to a song on repeat? What song was it?

In Which I Interrogate Aaron Knight

I made a thingy!

Hullo humanoids. As you can see it's Monday and I got some questions for little Aaron. So I'm going to torture politely ask him for the answers. Right, Aaron?

Aaron: *grins* Yup.

Now your first question we got for you here is how do you reconcile being a vampire with being a Christian?

Aaron: I'm not a vampire!

Yeah I know. I kinda said vampiric and my definition of that isn't the same as the dictionary's. Readers, I meant he drinks blood. He doesn't have any other similarities to vampires. He isn't undead or anything.

Aaron: and I don't kill for the blood. Yes, I do need human blood to live but I don't need to take all their blood. And I only drink from those who give me their permission. I'd never kill anyone.

What do you think about being drafted into the Army?

Aaron: .... I don't like it. I don't want to hurt people and I don't even support the Colonies. I only live there because I don't have the money to move. But I really don't like it.

Do you resent the humans for how they've treated you?

Aaron: I don't hate human but.... I don't like the ones who hurt me much. But not all humans are bad. Like my friend Natalie. 

Why don't you like rain?

Aaron: Water is scary. I nearly drowned once.... I haven't liked any kind of water since then.

How do you feel about your sibling?

Aaron: I love them both but I'm not really close to Sky. She doesn't like me much but she really doesn't like anyone. And I'm really close to my older brother, Derek. Except he's weird. He has another guy in his head who controls his body sometimes. Multiple personality disorder or something. 

Why do you like M&Ms so much? And if it started raining M&Ms what would you do?

Aaron: *grins* my big brother Derek used to buy them for me when I was a kid. And they taste really really good! And I'd eat a lot of M&Ms and probably get sick because I ate too much human food. It'd be awesome though!

Interesting. Your life really really sucks. You've gone through a lot. How do you stay so sweet and kind despite everything you've gone through?

Aaron: If I let the world break me then I wouldn't be smiling. I wouldn't be happy. It's hard sometimes but I trust in God through it all and keep loving everyone around me. I just want to make everyone happy.

You're so adorable. Now onto the more serious questions. What would it take for you to consider taking revenge on someone?

Aaron: .... probably if someone really hurt Sky, my sister, or Natalie. Then maybe. 

Have you ever enjoyed inflicting pain on someone? Do you think you would ever find yourself in a situation that you would?

Aaron: No. I hate hurting people. I don't think I ever would. Well... I don't know... Maybe... If someone hurt Natalie or Sky I might hurt them. I might enjoy it then I guess... I hope that never happens though.

I hope so too. Well that's all the questions I have for you. Have some M&Ms and go hug someone or whatever it is that you do.

Aaron: okay! *hugs all the readers* Have a great day guys and keep being awesome!

Interrogating Characters: Aaron Knight

Hullooooo humanoidssssss! Sorry about the extreme lack of posts. I'm lazy and forgetful and life kinda got in my way. But I am back! And I might actually post more often. So since I'm a writer obviously I figured I'd introduce you weirdos to one of my characters and let you interrogate him because interrogating is fun.

Isn't he adorable?

Meet Aaron Knight! My adorable M&M loving kitty cat boy. He's 21 and he's a kato (short vampiric cat people). Now this guy isn't my main character. I'll introduce you to him some other time. But Aaron is my main character's little brother. 

Aaron grew up poor and homeless. He was adopted into the Knight family when his birth parents abandoned him. Then his adopted parents died when he was five and he was raised by his older brother. He also has an older sister who has no emotions but I'll talk more about her some other time.

His best friend, Natalie, is a human. The Colonies are populated primarily by humans and a lot of them are raciest towards kato and elves (my other alien race in my world. They're also vampiric) so Natalie and Aaron's friendship was looked down upon by most other humans but they didn't care. The two of them started a band called Jetpack Kittens and stuff (I'm very good at describing my characters' lives in case you couldn't tell). When the war between the Colonies and the Empire begun Aaron was drafted into the army. 

Aaron is a sweet guy and communicates through pickup lines. He's an ENFP and a Christian. Although he isn't a pacifist nobody would ever use the word violent to describe this guy. He finds other ways to get his point across without throwing a punch. Actually in a fight Aaron is rather useless. He freezes up in combat. Aaron loves M&Ms, reading, and music.

So there's a little bit about Aaron Knight. Comment with your questions for him and I'll get around to posting the answers eventually. Have a wonderful day and keep being awesome. 

The Sleepless Unicorn Writes about MBTI

Hullo humanoids. I'm back and I still haven't slept much *glares an insomnia* And I'm talking about MBTI today. Google it if you don't know what it is because I'm too lazy to explain it. Actually, I'll be nice and explain it. It's this personality thingy that uses letters and there are sixteen different personality types and it uses letters. It's really really cool and I'm slightly obsessed with it. Just slightly.

There are sixteen types and I will now attempt to remember them all without using Google. INTP, ENFP, ESFJ, ESTP, INTJ, ESTJ, ISTJ, INFJ, ISTP, ENTJ, ENTP, ESFP, ISFP, ESTJ, ISFJ, ENFJ. That's all of them. I think. There are sixteen listed there and hopefully I didn't just repeat stuff. If I missed a type then sorry. Don't kill me. I don't want to die again. Dying is not an experience I want to relive.

Each of those letters mean something. Extrovert, Introvert, iNtuition, Sensing, Thinking, Feeling, Perceiving, and Judging. Extroverts feel energized around people but social events drain introverts. Like vampires sucking blood socializing sucks away an introvert's energy. I'm not even going to bother with explaining sensing and intuition. Something to do with stuff. Go Google it. Google is useful for this stuff. Google knows everything. Google is like a know-it-all stalker. I should go back to talking about MBTI. Thinking is making decisions with logic like a Vulcan. Except Thinkers aren't emotionless. We have emotions too you know. Feelers make decisions based on emotions. Not always but they're more likely to make an impulsive decision based on their emotions. But even if they're more emotional than thinkers that doesn't make them idiots. Feelers are smart too. Most of the time. Perceivers tend to procrastinate and don't like having a scheduled or planning everything. Judgers plan stuff and stuff like that. Now, don't base what type you are just on what the letters mean. Yeah, that's a start but each type have different traits and stuff. This site is a good one to use to find out your type: 16personalities.com.

Each type is different. They all have different strengths and weaknesses. Some people don't fit nicely into one type and may belong to several different types. They're like Divergent or something.

I am INTP and despite the stereotype for INTPs being really good at math and stuff like that I totally suck at math. *burns math* The type stereotypes are often wrong or at least they don't apply to every single person with that type. If they did I'd be an emotionless atheist genius who dislikes being around people. So just because the internet says all ENFPs are brainless doesn't make it true. Because it isn't. I know a bunch of really smart ENFPs. They are overly huggy though. If you're allergic to hugs avoid them and ESFJs. Both those types generally like hugging people.

So that's MBTI. I might do posts about each type eventually. Maybe. Possibly. It might one day happen. Hopefully. But anyways, hope you enjoyed this lovely unedited post. Farewell humanoids. *vanishes in a cloud of hamsters*

The Sleepless Unicorn Writes about Legion

Hullo humanoids! Back again. You should feel honored for having so many posts this weeks. I still haven't slept much but hey, due to that you guys get to see what goes on inside my brilliant mind. My brilliant mind is a very very odd place.

Now, Legion is this Facebook group of insane, Christian, nerdy, writer, alien people. It's an awesome group. Weird but awesome. I say everything is weird. Everything is weird. That's weird. Weird is weird. I'm off track. Back to the awesome group of weirdos. I joined the group a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. I stalked the posts and such for awhile and then started participating. Slowly I was sucked into the insanity. It was great. Now I'm one of the most active members in the group and I'm amazing friends with all the weirdos. It's great. I said that already I think. *shrugs* Whatever.

So, one of the greatest things about Legion are the nicknames. Almost all the active members have at least two. Normally more. The founder and leader of Legion has a couple dozen. Examples of some of the nicknames are: Skittles, Horse Dude, Peaches, ybs, Bacon, Berry, and Blade. We're rather obsessed with food related nicknames. I have three. Killer, Kringle, and Dark One. Wow... that makes me sound like a pastry eating super villain or something. Google Kringle if you don't know what it is because it's amazing. Seriously best thing ever. Even better than Legion. Well, not quite that good but close. Legion is slightly better even if it's not edible. The people are edible though.... But most of them are minors and it's immoral to eat minors.

Other stuff about stuff that involves Legion. We love Fall Out Boy because it's great. Thou art like tulips in the rain. Eat Skittles. Don't die horizontally. Typs aer awaeome (translated: typos are awesome). Bacon kills. Like seriously. Stay away from Bacon. Jetpack kittens! Uh... My brain isn't working the greatest or I'd say more. I'll be going now. Farewell humanoids! May the Vroom be with you!

Suggest a topic for the next Sleepless Unicorn Writes in the comments below.

The Sleepless Unicorn Writes about Books

Hullo humanoids! I'm back and I still haven't gotten much sleep! And yes it is midnight. But you're getting two posts in a week. So the few of you who actually read this crap you should be happy. And just as a warning a lot of my posts will probably end up like this. Now onto talking about stuff. Or books. Stuff was the last post.

Books are weird. Whether it's a paperback or eBook it's still a thing that uses words to create stories that make you feel like you're in another world. Unless it's non fiction. Then... I don't know. It makes you feel like you're somewhere else here. Words are also weird. They're just a combination of letters from the alphabet that has meaning to us. Everything is weird. The word weird is weird because words are weird. But back to books. Well written fiction books transport you to another world. They're an escape from reality. They're wonderful. They're really weird but awesome. I love books. I love them more than skittles. Oh, and random fact. Purple skittles make me sick. I have actually puked from eating them. I know you wanted to know that. It's such valuable information. It'll change your life. I'm 42% sure it will.

There are various genres of books. Fiction and non fiction. Science fiction and fantasy. Humor and boring. Unicorns and narwhals. Narwhals are such weird creatures. They're like a unicorn and whale combined. A uniwhale. But back to genres. We split books into these genres because not all books are the same. They might be similar physically but the words they contain are always different. Sci-fi has aliens, lasers, and spaceships. Fantasy has dragons, swords, and magic. Not all sci-fi and fantasy contain these things I've just stated some common things from both genres. But yeah, genres are interesting. And different. And stuff. I really don't know where I was going with this. Let's move on.

Types of books! Paperback, hardcover, eBook, scrolls, stone tablets, invisible. There are all kinds of formats for books. Everyone has their preferences. No one has a wrong opinion when it comes to this. I prefer hardcover to paperback. I don't hate eBooks. I read them often. But I prefer having a physical book in my hand. Invisible books are pointless. They're very hard to read. Stone tablets are heavy and I don't think very many people use them nowadays but there's nothing wrong with using them. Congrats if you do. You're one of a few.

I should shut up now. I could keep rambling but then you'll probably give up and go do something productive with your life. Like look at Pinterest. Farewell humanoids and may the odds ever be in your favor. And if for some odd reason there are people reading this comment below what you want my next sleepless unicorn writes topic to be. Beam me up, Scotty! *teleports out*

A Sleepless Unicorn Writes about Stuff

Hello humanoid! I haven't slept in 48 hours! So of course I decide to write a blog post. I apollogize for the weirdness this will contain and I will not apollogize for my Greek pun. Yay me. Using bad puns. Now what the heck is this post about? I really don't know. It's about stuff because that's the only suggestion I got when I asked for suggestions on what to write a blog post about. That was a long sentence.

This post seriously has no point. Why am I writing this? I guess I could talk about random stuff. Skittles taste excellent. I love skittles. My favorites are the orange ones because I like orange things.  And I am a psychopathic mass murderer.

Since this is a writing blog I should write about writing. I am a cruel and evil writer when it comes to my characters. Torture your characters and it makes the story better. As long as it's not pointless torture. There needs to be a point to everything. There needs to be a reason. You can't kill someone for no reason. Pointless death is annoying. So
if you ever decide to kill someone make sure you have a good reason. And by someone I mean a character. Please don't kill real people because of this post. I don't want to get arrested. I don't want to go back to prison. So no killing real people. Only characters and only kill characters if their death isn't pointless.

I feel like I should stop writing. I'm probably already going to regret this post later. This will be a fun thing to look back on later in life. That one evening where I had nothing better to do so I wrote a blog post even though I was incredibly tired. I'm also not really bothering to edit this thing. Brilliant idea, Ryder. Absolutely brilliant. The fact that you're still reading this is amazing. Congratulations person. You have read a pointless blog post. Yay you. I'm going now. Good bye. Don't die horizontally and thou art like tulips in the rain.

How to Spell

Hello humanoids. I am late. I did not post last week due to something called forgetfulness and laziness. Yet, for some odd reason you are here. You should get a medal for that. Now onto today's topic.

How do you spell words? Most people spell words w-o-r-d-s. If you do not spell it that was you should take a spelling class because as far as I know that's the only way to spell it. There are some words that people spell differently though. Donut or doughnut? Grey or gray? Blond or blonde? ppl or people? If you spell it ppl when you're not texting go read the dictionary.

There are reasons why these words are spelled differently. Doughnut is the actual spelling, donut is the abbreviation. Grey is the British spelling and gray is the American. Blond hair is a dude's hair, blonde hair would be for a girl. ppl is text lingo and people is the actual spelling. They may sound and means basically the same thing (except for blond/blonde) but they're spelled differently.

People get into arguments on how these and many other words are supposed to be spelled and it's stupid. Yeah, people spell some words differently. Although I prefer doughnut donut is an acceptable spelling of the word. British spell words differently than Americans. Even though blond and blonde are dude and girl people still use both interchangeably for both genders and I personally think that's fine. Yes, people have their preferences on how words should be spelled but don't get mad if people don't use the same spelling. Especially if it's British versus American. They're two different countries. They both use English but that doesn't mean they must spell everything the same. So don't get into an argument just because someone spelled something differently than how you spell it. Just accept the fact that not everyone spells everything the same way you do.

Okay, I'm done ranting now. Just wanted to get that off my chest. Oh, wow. I stayed on topic for the entire post. Amazing. Now, unless I forget again you amazing people will have another awesome post next week. Farewell and try not to die! If you die you won't be able to read more of my awesomeness.

What's your opinion on how words are spelled?

First Post

Hello humanoids! Welcome to the insanity which is my wonderful blog. This is the place where I'll be posting stuff. Most of my stuff will be writing related. Which makes sense since that is what I am. I am also a unicorn. Yes, you read that right. You're reading a blog written by a unicorn. You should feel honored to be reading something written by such a majestic creature.
Anyways, this place will just be weird so if you don't like weird just leave now. If you have a phobia of weirdness then I'm not entirely sure why you're still reading this. How are you still here if you have weirdphobia? You should've been scared off awhile ago. I highly doubt you actually have weirdphobia if you're still reading this. But anyways, I am Ryder Eclipse and welcome to the Unicorn Writer. I'll be posting once a week for now so return sometime next week for more weirdness. Farewell, humanoids!